The veiled menace of consumer technology

If anyone ever comes up to you at a party and says, “There is more computing power in my smartphone than there was in the Apollo space program,”  just reply, “What do you want me to do about it?”

It’s a meaningless observation made by self-styled technophiles to hide the fact that they’re sick of their moribund careers. It’s the same thing as saying, “I really do love my IT help-desk job.”

But it scares me. I worry that these technophiles secretly harbor a fantasy of launching a projectile at the moon. A recent survey showed that 17 percent of smartphone users believed they already could launch a spaceship using their phone. Another 27 percent said they they already have. (53 percent said, “pistachio”). So there is some cause for concern.

Just imagine the most disgusting person you know, force-feeding themselves a hamburger (with buns made from other hamburgers), a bag of jelly donuts, and a glazed ham, over the course of 20 minutes. With that image in mind, do you really think your mother should have the capability of launching what is essentially a missile? Think about it.

The big corporations have allowed this to happen. It’s all about the bottom-line. They recklessly disseminate perilous technology for profit. It’s not their problem if you’re stupid. They don’t care. In fact, if it means you’ll buy more pointless shit, they like you just the way you are: brain-dead. Which is good, in a way, because it’s always nice to be liked. So, there’s that.

Mom no cavities

But facts are facts. Everyone you know, yourself included, is intolerably stupid. Sure, some people can stand on their hind legs longer than others. But, in the end, they’ll be back with the rest of us, grooming us for body lice, sniffing our crotches and sharing termites off the same stick. Wait and see.

I wonder if technophiles sometimes fantasize about launching the smartphone itself into outer space. I bet when they’re alone they run around holding their smartphones in the air, making spaceship sound effects with their mouths. And who can blame them? But they never bother to think the whole thing through. If these phones are so smart, why don’t they just fly themselves to the moon and leave me the fuck alone.

This is not cute. It’s dangerous. Imagine your mother again. “The moon,” she laughs, spitting foodstuffs all over her smartphone. “That’s so 1969. ICBMs: that’s what I’m talking about.”

Nuclear Norman

See why I’m scared? All we need is someone to figure out how to laser-print a nuclear weapon. Not only would it turn the traditional manufacturer supply chain on its head, but it would also kill everybody. If we let things get out of hand.

For the time being, you idiots should count yourself lucky to be allowed so much power on your phone. If this were a sane world, and we doled technology out based on some intelligence quotient, most of you would be lucky if you got a Speak & Spell.

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