What a beautiful day it was in Auckland.
Obviously, I’m displeased.
You can’t extract decent blog material from a sunny, warm, afternoon that puts everyone in a good mood. There’s no fucking punchline.
A good punchline would be if the day ended in emergency surgery, for example.
Sadly, not everyone ended up in emergency surgery today.
The best I could hope for was one of my pasty-faced British neighbors got third-degree sunburns. I’d blog that.
But the day never got to that high laughs-per-minute level. Bummer.
It did turn to shit though.
Earlier, I thought I’d go out while there was still plenty of daylight to work on my third-degree sunburn.
Before leaving, though, I made the mistake of checking Facebook.
Like a schmuck, I watched this:
How could I enjoy my day knowing these kinds of American fucktards are allowed to breed, lead a Boy Scout troop, or form the Tea Party?
Thanks to the questionable judgement of New Zealand’s most sadistic standup comedian Simon McKinney, I was made to confront the American psyche in all the High-Fructose, Saturated Fatty-assed magnificence on display in this video.
Really appreciate you introducing me to that video, Simon.
How about I make you take a long hard look at your country’s disturbed psyche?
There, now I ruined your beautiful Sunday. Not so fun confronting the ugly truth, is it, Simon?
Now you know how I’ve felt since watching Dave Hall, Glenn Taylor, and Dylan Taylor destroying a 200 million year old rock formation in the Goblin Valley, Utah.
Just because, you know, it was there.
And because Glenn Taylor has eaten so many Big Macs this week, he has unlocked the “Obese, dumb-ass American” achievement badge, and wanted to show off his new powers.
There’s been quite a public back lash in the US.
Which really confuses me. I thought America elevated “proud stupidity” above all other American virtues.
Why else do 79 percent of you think humans were created by god, with 37 percent of you saying humans were created by god as they are right now?
How could half of you believe an inside-the-Beltway-haircut like Obama represented “change”? How could the other half of you get away with calling him a “socialist”, bandying the epithet around like a chimpanzee who just found an inflatable baseball bat?
Obviously, because you’re stupid.
So, Glenn Taylor knocked down some stupid rock formation some so-called scientists estimate to have been there for 200 million years.
Big fucking deal. Glenn shouldn’t be publicly shamed. He should be lauded for destroying one of the lies that Satan has planted to confuse us about how the world works.
Everyone knows god created the Universe 6,000 years ago.
America should adore Glenn. He’s American Superstar material.
He’s morbidly obese enough to make people feel better about eating that second cake for desert.
And Glenn has proven conclusively that he’s brutish, ignorant, and asinine, which seals the Fox News audience.
And Glenn’s buddy, the guy on the camera? His bland taste in music will secure the American Idol crowd.
You see where I’m going with this, Glenn? You have the audience. Now you just need your own TV show.
Every week, you and your friends will go to a different national park, and deface it in a spectacular way that only a fat, ignorant American can come up with.
And your friend can sing all the crappy, canned club music from the mid-1990s that he can recall.
Next week, you should go to Yellowstone and plug up Old Faithful with cement. That would be awesome.
With any luck, you’ll inspire other people to record their own vandalism in national parks. That way, you can segue your show into a reality TV competition.
Hosted by Donald Trump.
It could be anything, really. Setting fire to Yosemite. Spray-painting “LOL” underneath Lincoln’s head at Mt. Rushmore. Buying 500,000 gallons of crude oil and dumping it somewhere in Alaska.
Honestly, the possibilities are endless.
All we need now is some critical mass.
So America. Get the word out. Tweet it, put it on Facebook. Hell, ask Jesus to come into the heart of a TV producer to make this happen.
And it’s going to happen.
Let’s go, Glenn!